Thursday, August 2, 2007


So I went to the school I'll teaching at today, because when I first got hired I was informed that I would be getting more information a lot sooner then it has actually happened. In fact I thought I was going to start August 1st, but it turns out I'll be starting August 22nd. All that is ok, except for the fact that I worry and get anxious really easily. It turns out everything that I've been worried about will be discussed and such when the teachers come back to work on August 22nd. I suppose I feel rather silly worrying so much, but this is a huge deal to me and I have nothing to look back on from any previous experiences, so I worry.
The principal this year used to be the first grade teacher last year, so when she was talking to me she totally dumped a load of her idea of the "realities" of teaching all over me without really telling a lot of the positive side. It was really discouraging. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way and was only trying hard to be helpful, but I surely didn't like having only that side told to me. It made me not want to even begin what sounded like the worst "1st year" of anything in my life. Of course I survived my first year of marriage without too many bumps and bruises...why wouldn't I be able to do teaching too? I know I can't do it without God's help, but at times I feel like I'm not close enough to God (by my own point of view) to even begin to ask Him for help. I know that's a lie from satan trying to keep me from taking steps towards God, but I hear so many lies from him in my own voice that it's hard to tell the difference most days. I wish I could just be logical more then I am emotional. I just feel like so much of teaching requires a positive optimistic, flexable, and extremely patient person. And I don't really see myself like that most of the time. I mean I have been like that before, but it's usually not my instinct. Why is it I assume it's most people's instinct to do that when I see it in other people? I'm guessing it doesn't come naturally to as many people as I'm assuming it does. It's still hard to remember that.
Am I strong enough? Am I smart enough? Am I patient enough? Am I loving enough? Am I willing enough? Am I ready? Can I call on God when I need to? Can I give my worries to Him often enough? Can I pray as often as I should? Am I happy enough?
Oh God help me.

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