Monday, November 5, 2007

You know who you are...

I don't even know if you read my blog any more. I don't know if you even care about me anymore. You know who you are. We haven't talked in ... what has it been... a couple years now? I asked for a reference letter a while ago, it never came. I tried to keep in contact it never happened.
I don't know if you really love my husband. Then again you never really had the time to get to know him. Or was that ... take the time. Of course I do live 2000 miles away from you now. There was a short time in my life, 2 years to be exact, that you meant the world to me. You filled me with dreams, passion, love, hope, encouragement, and wisdom. Then ... I moved and you got too busy for me. Or was it the other way around? Or is it because the thing we all thought I was supposed to be doing ... isn't really the thing I'm doing?
You want the truth? I feel replaced. And not nicely ... not naturally. But more like I was booted from your life. Or maybe I should say Ripped from it? I don't think that part of my heart will really heal. Every time I hear about you ... every time I read your blog that part of my heart shatters and it takes a lot to not break down and cry .... it takes a lot to not dive into the mess and dwell there. Did you really mean anything you ever said to me?
I'm happy where I am...I suppose, for the most part. I hate this state, but then again I really think Oregon will always be in my blood. I'm teaching now did you know that? And I love it ... I really, really do. I really think it's where I was supposed to be to begin with. But the Deaf are not forgotten, my heart still yearns for that part of my life again. Except .... when I think of that part of my life I think about you and the pain resurfaces. Is that the reason why I avoid it now? Or is it because I feel as though I failed the whole Deaf community down here by getting married? I don't think I'll ever know.
But one thing I do know. Is I miss you and I love you more then these puny words in this blog can tell you. All of this? pathetic attempt to speak my pain.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Hi Kristy! I'm glad you posted - it helped me remember to drop you a note! I've been thinking about you these past couple of weeks and wondered how things were going. How is teaching? Let me know if you have any holes in your schedule and we can try to get together again sometime soon!