I don't even know if you read my blog any more. I don't know if you even care about me anymore. You know who you are. We haven't talked in ... what has it been... a couple years now? I asked for a reference letter a while ago, it never came. I tried to keep in contact it never happened.
I don't know if you really love my husband. Then again you never really had the time to get to know him. Or was that ... take the time. Of course I do live 2000 miles away from you now. There was a short time in my life, 2 years to be exact, that you meant the world to me. You filled me with dreams, passion, love, hope, encouragement, and wisdom. Then ... I moved and you got too busy for me. Or was it the other way around? Or is it because the thing we all thought I was supposed to be doing ... isn't really the thing I'm doing?
You want the truth? I feel replaced. And not nicely ... not naturally. But more like I was booted from your life. Or maybe I should say Ripped from it? I don't think that part of my heart will really heal. Every time I hear about you ... every time I read your blog that part of my heart shatters and it takes a lot to not break down and cry .... it takes a lot to not dive into the mess and dwell there. Did you really mean anything you ever said to me?
I'm happy where I am...I suppose, for the most part. I hate this state, but then again I really think Oregon will always be in my blood. I'm teaching now did you know that? And I love it ... I really, really do. I really think it's where I was supposed to be to begin with. But the Deaf are not forgotten, my heart still yearns for that part of my life again. Except .... when I think of that part of my life I think about you and the pain resurfaces. Is that the reason why I avoid it now? Or is it because I feel as though I failed the whole Deaf community down here by getting married? I don't think I'll ever know.
But one thing I do know. Is I miss you and I love you more then these puny words in this blog can tell you. All of this? ...my pathetic attempt to speak my pain.