Monday, September 28, 2009

Blah blah bleck

Why is it that when I have some amazing things to write on my blog I think of them only when I'm driving? Seriously the last 3 or 4 times I've thought of something to write have been while I was driving back home from work.
Of course trying sitting down now to try and think of something to write ... and there's nothing.
I could launch into a long post about the past ... and missing my friends. I've done that already. Well, I do miss my friends. It's on my heart a lot, but just feels like there really is not much for me to do about it. I find it slightly odd the transitional period I seem to always feel like I'm in the middle of. For example: Before I was married my friends were married and I didn't quite fit into that. Right after I got married my friends were all married for more then 10 years, so I didn't fit there either. Now we've been married a bit longer, but a lot of our married friends now have young children and we currently do not. Of course some day we will, but why is it always someday. Will it always be someday? Or will some day turn into today and then that day will again warrant another "someday." So, now we don't fit into the group of our friends that have the young kids. Though I do work in full-time child care watching a, now, 6 month old baby. I talk about her like she's mine own. Sometimes I find that odd. As though I'm back in high school trying desperately to fit in again by finding a subject I know a little about and dumping into conversations with the "experts" I'm trying to fit in with. Is life then just moments of "some days" and trying to find your niche? I suppose ... that it is. But I'm not sure I'm satisfied with that. That leaves me running around ... in a holding pattern ... waiting for some day ... or something.
Are we built to be satisfied with where we are? Or is the drive to push us forward there to do just that ... push us forward. Will we survive being just where we are...must we continue to surge or can we just pause...and rest. Of course if I pause and rest inevitably I'm left on pause and will forget how to press play again.
Is the drive to move forward given to us by God so we can move forward towards Him? And then once arriving then float around in His peace and grace? Haha Kind of a funny mental picture. I suppose the constant search for significance is built into us, but we spend our lives finding it things we can touch, taste, smell, see, and hear...instead of first diving into God's eternal identity for us. I would prefer to rest in His identity of me. I honestly think that. It's almost as though my body won't allow me to stay there. Either that or my brain is so mucked up with childhood pain and the enemies lies that I can't find rest in that one spot. The drive to move around and never really find rest sits higher in my mind then the one to sit in God's grace and stay put.
There are times where I really do not enjoy life being a marathon. I understand, I think, on a very basic level why it is such. But dragging one foot in front of the other, trying to stay on the path and remembering to keep going forward is really not easy ... or pain free.

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