I have time to write. But nothing is in my head.
I suppose having nothing swimming around in my brain is better then the anxiety ridden brain issues I was having at the beginning of the week. (here's the short version!)
Turns out what I thought was a healthy habit, writing lists, is actually a horrible obsessive habit that took control of me and my brain. NOT OK...by the way.
I had no idea how horribly chained to it I was. Writing down 20-30 things "TO DO" and then expecting myself to get them done within the next 2 days ... is ummm INSANE! I had it color coded and everything. Writing down all those things also fed into my anxiety so no wonder I had panic attacks almost every time I wrote one of those lists. Of course then looking at everything I had to get done really discouraged me, so I would cope and well, not do anything. That in turn created shame and then that turned into rage and poor Francisco got the brunt of all that! (so not fair)
Turns out I don't need a list of 20-30 things to be disciplined. WAHOOO!!! Even though I can feel the pressure in the back of my mind to "make a list" I have resisted for 2 days now. And for 2 days I've felt free ... and happy...and panic free!! I have my moments...but I give it back to the ultimate Warrior and let Him fight :D
So now I'm working on daily habits and disciplines. And separating work from home stuff. I write all my work stuff down on a white board in the office and let go of my worry about all of it. I am now learning to let go of control and just trusting more. Also ... needing to find a healthy balance of remembering to do the things I'm responsible for and letting go of trying to do everything perfect!