Thursday, May 13, 2010


Why is it so much easier to be distracted then to focus? Is that something we learn at a young age or is it already pre-programed into our DNA? I know I'm not the only person that finds it easier to check my email in the morning then to sit down and read my Bible or even read a book at all. I know my day goes better when I choose better, but I still don't choose better.
Hmm this is starting to sound like that verse in Romans. I don't do what I want to do...I do what I don't want to do...that one.
I suppose this is just one of those struggles all humans go through and will go through for the rest of our lives? Well, I don't like it.
Changing subjects...what I do like? The blue sky in Oregon. SERIOUSLY BLUE! I mean ... seriously. I'm not sure you could make a crayon that wonderful of a color. And against the blue sky rests the best green from the trees. I wish there were more adjectives to describe how it looks when the weather actually stays put for a few days. Everyone's moods lift and even the animals all seem happier. Of course the kids are all louder too. I don't suppose I mind that much if I stop to remember being a kid. I wasn't raised in an apartment either. More and more these days I am thankful for that. Thanks mom & dad!
Also another slightly random thought struck me yesterday that I wanted to write about.
My sister and I were talking about our 'jobs' and how difficult it is to maintain a schedule, how we sometimes feel badly wanting to spend money when we don't make money in the conventional way. That's when the thought popped into my head. My mom and dad (especially dad) worked HARD all through my childhood/early adulthood. My dad STILL works his butt off ALL the time! I'm proud that I have such hard working examples, but I find it odd that both his daughters chose to be self-employed...something he never really taught us. I do remember being told to go to college and get a good education so I can get a good job. I remember being told that having a good job was the only way to make good money. So why did we both decide to be pioneers for our families? Did we see something we didn't like about having to work for "the man" from 9-5 for the rest of our lives? I don't think my dad's work ethic is in question here at all. He did what he had to do and did it well and he still does it with consistent persistence. Even my husband does! His work ethic is like my father's. I don't get it...honestly. I tried for a LONG time to work a normal "corporate" 9-5. I did okay for a while, but I don't fit too well in that box. Although there are times on my journey as a pioneer for my family that I wonder and say "what if." Some days it does seem easier to just go get hired and work and work and work....but how happy would I be?
Yes happiness is fickle and in 2 seconds it can turn on you. But for as much as I watched my parents work as hard as they did I wonder now if they were happy. Did they pursue the dreams they had when they were in college? I think I remember my dad saying something about being a scientist...what happened to that dream? Or was it ever a dream? It breaks my heart that as a child I might have been the reason that necessity over threw dreams. I know we are told we must "grow up" some day, but I'm not sure I'm ok with giving up my desire to positively affect, influence, & change the lives of thousands of people. And not just with a few pills...I'm talking about letting flow the Love and Grace of Christ through my brokenness into those broken around me.
Today I love that I'm a pioneer. The sun is bright and the birds are singing as loud as they can. But there is a tickle in the back of my head. What if my dad had the right idea?
Then again ... what if I don't explore this path? What will I miss if I walk away from it? What will my family miss?

1 comment:

Francisco said...

Wow I love how you express your thoughts hun :), and it makes me wonder about my parents. I mean I think my mom did what she wanted in terms of being a teacher, but I feel like my dad probably had dreams as a kid that never were pursued, he just worked hard. Not sure though about the dreams, I haven't asked. Thank you for the good questions you bring up! Love u