Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear Friends...

Just another one of those posts...I've posted these before, but it's still something I can't stop thinking about right now.  I am totally and completely aware that life changes and it's beyond my control.  And that if life didn't change then I wouldn't be a better version of me...that it wouldn't be life really.  I still struggle deep within my soul with the breaking and separating of my friendships over the years.  I am fully aware that this is normal and that it is supposed to happen, in a way.  But that doesn't make my heart ache when I recall so many amazing memories I've collected over the years from so many amazing people.  I think it would exhaust me if I got the chance to try and be friends with everyone on the level I desire.  I suppose this desire to be in relationship is designed into me by my Creator and ultimately the desire should be pointed towards Him.
I still miss you.  I miss my friends in middle school...in particular those in Mr. Taylor's class!  I don't know why I remember this class so well.  Of course I can't forget band and Mr. Kenny!
I miss my friends in high school.  Although high school was probably the hardest 4 years of my life so far...I miss the people that were my friends.  I wish I could show them who I really am today, because I fear that I gave them a shadow of who I really am....a discredit to the friendship they gave me.  More then just my peers I wish I could run back to all those teachers that touched my life and left lasting imprints on me that I could not and would not ever want to erase.
I think, as is life, my broken college relationships hurt just a bit more than most.  Both schools, Corban and North Central held many dear close friends who helped shape who I am today.  Some I am connected to on Facebook and others I have lost connections completely and pray I can thank you when I get to heaven.  It's difficult for me to try and even find the right words.  They all seem vague to me.  I am upset that it's so challenging for me to keep relationships going at the level I want them to be...but I have to have a bit of grace for myself.  It does take 2 people to have a relationship on any level.  I don't ever want to carry resentment for the way things turned out, but I still miss you.  I miss your hugs and your words and our laughter.  I miss the impact you've had on me.  I miss forming memories.  I am grateful that those of you I have contact with right now seem to be living the life you dreamed!  None of you will know just how much you mean to me.
And to those I can't seem to find to reconnect with ... I miss you.  And I'm praying for you.  I wish to some day come across your smiling familiar face and give you a hug and tell you just how much I appreciated you in my life.
Know how much ALL of my friends mean to me no matter what I do or don't do.  Know that ALL of you make an impression on my heart and I will carry you around with me for the rest of my life.

2 comments:

Deanna said...

What a lovely and aching post that I can relate to in so many many many ways.
Love you. And I miss you.
<3

Jenny said...

Hee.... I remember meeting you at outdoor school... :)