Friday, February 16, 2007

Heart Ache

My heart aches very often for old friends and old relationships. I'm not sure if I'm a minority, but it is nearly impossible for me to just shove old relationships and friendships into the back of my mind and forget about them for most, if not all of my life.
I was just cruising a blog I used to visit quite often to keep up with someone who I, at one time, considered a very close friend, mentor, and guide at a time in my life where I was lost in terrible darkness. Life pushed me forward and I am here in Southern California and married. And often I find myself thinking of this person and their family. And as memories flow I ache. I ache to hear their voices. I ache to feel their arms around me again. I ache to hear the wonderous encouragement and words of wisdom that was always present. Part of me wants to be angry and wonder why I feel somewhat shoved out of their life. And most of me just hurts. Its not like I can rewind my life, or even that I want to. But I want that back.
And it isn't just for that person I ache...although the ache I feel for them is very raw and prominate at this moment in my life. There are others I ache for.
Its painful when I try and explain all of this and people shrug it off. I wonder to myself if I am alone in aching for people in my past or if I have just been given the gift or curse of being able to feel that deeply for so many people. I wish I had more people around me that were at the same place in life as I am. Its difficult to feel like I'm going through "normal" things when I have no one to bounce my thoughts and ideas off of.
And you know what else? It is so UNFAIR that my mom is dead. *sigh* I miss her like nothing else in the world.


Emily said...

Well... it isn't a curse. :)

You know what? Sometimes, just making that initial contact with people is enough to bring a smile to both of you and to renew that communication.

Thanks for the conversation this morning! :)

Emily said...

Oh... and I wanted to add one more thing. about your mom... I agree. It totally sucks. Totally. It's good you miss her - because you still love her.

Big hugs and loves