Well, it's becoming a bit more difficult for me to convince myself to post more often. I suppose it's probably because I feel like I have a TON Of stuff going on and I wish I knew someone that could ... or would give me answers and at the same time I understand that at this moment in my life I don't think anyone can. I really, REALLY do NOT get why God is like that in my life so often.
In an effort to keep our electric bill down (last month it was over $100) we turned the heat way down and tried really hard to keep the lights off etc. We just got the bill ... it was $15 more than the last bill. WTF??! I'm calling them tomorrow.
I did NOT get the job at Farmers. And again may I type WTF???? I don't know what God is doing. It feels similar to when we were first married and I couldn't get a job. I also feel like He's holding onto a brilliant job out there for me and just asking me to wait and trust. Well, I've never been good at that. And when life is SOOOOO difficult to live without money ... well that just makes the waiting and the trusting even more difficult.
I want to go back to school. Francisco says I can't until we have the money.
I want to have a baby. Francisco says we can't until we have the money.
I get it. I understand logcially what he's saying. And I suppose I can try and see where he's coming from .. being a guy and all. BUT what I don't get is my desire is there. (To go back to school AND to have a baby.) So if my desire is there ... then part of me feels God put it there. Of course it might just be .. well .. me. Okay, so if God put it there, then ... He's asking me to wait? FOR WHAT!!!!????? Seriously .... what am I waiting for?? More money???????? That is really, REALLY not getting us anywhere.
You know if I went back to school and got my teaching license...at least I would have a better chance at getting a job. But that's 16months away. (If I start in the summer.)
I'm frustrated. My faith is thin. My trust is thin. My heart and my head feel mushy and all scrambled up. No one has answers for me. My husband and I are both hurting and confused in different ways and generally that only serves to divide us. The stress is high. The worry is high. My depression, hormonal imbalances, and/or mood swings rage on...and there are no answers. I find then the guilt swings in and adds to the pile. The guilt of knowing I have it better than others....then of course that makes my problems seems invalid. *sigh*
I hope Intel keeps their CDI employees, because of Francisco loses his job too? We're going to be in Deep Shit. Oh God help us .... all.