I took a walk today, because the last few days haven't exactly been the best. Actually to be quite honest this week hasn't been the best week. I suppose I'm allowed to have those right? I know for a fact that my mind, heart, and thoughts have been getting a major overhaul these last 6 months or so, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't been challenging and tiring. Some times paddling away from death seems just too much work. It feels as though this week has been one of those weeks. I'm not sure why I'm making excuses.
Anyway ... I took a walk to the park today while listening to Patty Griffin (if you don't know about her music go look it up!). Since the weather today was really nice there were of course a lot of kids playing at the park and I found myself pondering the past 10 years of my life and actually missing my youth. Yes, laugh now if you must...I am probably still considered to be in my youth. I wouldn't argue that too much, but as I walked around the park I found myself missing my late teens and early twenties. Now I really don't think that I miss the heartaches and growing pains, because those were hard and I'm not sure I would really want to repeat those...and that's really not what I'm talking about. I'm talking more about the other stuff I suppose. I miss college. I miss the good parts of high school. I miss flirting with boys and being flirted back. I miss staying up late and eating pizza. I miss playing card games and just chatting until all hours of the morning just to have to get up at 8am the next morning. I miss my professors and my classes. I think sometimes I even miss the homework ... though not all of it! I miss traveling and hanging out in big groups of really close friends. In college I think, most of the time, I felt like I had a lot of really, really close friends. Having moved a few times in the last 10 years I've found it really hard to set roots down again and have that bunch of really close friends feeling around me. I think I felt that a bit at LCPC in La Crescenta, but the city and state never felt like home to me. Now that I'm back in Oregon I find myself wishing I were surrounded by all those people again. I try really hard to stay in contact or reconnect with so many of them, but most of us are married and have families....then of course most have jobs. And since I do not it's hard to fill my days with busy-ness. It used to be, "way back when," that it didn't matter really. It was more about spur of the moment random food eating money spending expeditions. Now, I have to do grown up things and today I find I miss being a "kid." (And you know what I mean :P ) A good handful of my friends are older then I am and I really don't mind that, but part of me feels caught between "college age" and adulthood. Kind of the same feeling I had when I was in my mid teens...caught between wanting to be a child and knowing I have to "grow up." I don't know if I really enjoy feeling like this again. I suppose as we pass through different stages in our lives it really is just growing up. And I don't think I mind being a grownup most days, but today really is a day I wish I could just transport myself back to NCU or "Western" and spend time with those people that touched my life in so many ways...reignite those friendships...find the friends I've lost...(I miss you Benjamin ... more then you'll ever know.)...eat what I want to eat...spend the money I want to spend...I know some of these things aren't exactly wise, but I don't think I want to be wise today. Of course the mark of growing up is chosing to be wise when you don't want to. So I do the dishes, the laundry, I pick up the house, I refrain from spending the money, and I eat what I need to.
Spring is here yet again and I'm wondering, yet again, where am I going? What am I doing? What am I here for? Aren't I meant for something more? And if I am how do I find it? You know, honestly I want nothing more then to ride horseback through the forest. I think I'd enjoy doing it alone as well as enjoy doing it with my dearest ones.
I wonder often if I am meant to feel content and "rooted" in this life. I wonder if my soul will always feel called to a higher purpose, a bigger place, towards the time between times...towards lands, places, and people I know nothing of.
I know I want certain things and I also know I have to give up a lot in order to get those things. Or maybe not even give up ... more like wait ... A LOT.
I miss my friends. I miss life the way it was (some of it). I miss a lot of things back then. I know you're not supposed to live in the past...maybe in the morning I won't wake up and feel sad that I have to go through another day feeling like I'm missing something.
Well...spring is here ... I enjoy spring in Oregon. I always have. Spring is new beginnings.
I want that.