Friday, March 13, 2009

Here I am again!

haha I haven't made time to write here ... in a while. But hey I think about it all the time!! lol That doesn't help does it?
Well, Francisco and I are still shrinking! The scale variates a little, but not too much. It looks like I am below 180lbs! And Francisco is almost below the 200lbs mark! Waaahooo! We got a gift card from rent.com and went and bought some new clothes for Francisco! I'm so proud of him! He's wearing a size 36 now :D (Down from a 44 or a 42 I think.) Which is AMAZING! I got to shop in the size 10 area .... *giggle* this makes me extremely happy! I can't remember the last time I was a size 10! I'm almost a size 8. And the last time I remember being a size 8 was 8th grade. Wowie!!!
I find it rather interesting, though, that even though I am shopping in the size 10s and even though as I type this I am wearing a size 10 (comfortable by the way too .. not too tight)...when I look in the mirror or even when I look down at myself I still see size 16/14 Kristy and not this new Kristy. I know that people notice when they see me and I can see a difference in pictures, but the mirror and my eyes still see me at a much larger size. It's odd to me that my brain can tell me that I am not a size 16/14 I am a size 10 and almost a size 8. It's logical, but, like I said, I still see my bigger body. I have to force myself to believe that I"m not her anymore. I guess it's also an almost "too good to be true" thought that I'm shrinking since for so long I wasn't. It's also VERY true that a lot of our weight and self image problems as women really sink into our heads/hearts and stick to us. So I could keep shrinking and eventually be a size smaller then an 8, but still see my bigger self in my minds eye and in the mirrors. This has caused me to realize that I need to keep plugging away at reshaping who I am on the inside as I reshape who I am on the outside.
I've been working on getting out of my apartment and going to places where I will meet new people. This has been a HUGE stretch for me, but still a really good thing. I'm still looking for my aces.
I am still looking for supplemental income. I've given myself the challenge to ramp it up into high gear again, but I find that idea scary. I know this may not make sense to most of you, but it's really been a fear of mine for many, many years. I don't know why looking for a job scares me so much, but it does. Of course if I don't look I won't find it and I won't meet any new people which stumps the job I really do enjoy!
Francisco just found out that he's getting an 8% pay cut and then after that his company may have to lay people off. Of course I really do believe that he will get to stay, because they NEED HIM! The pay cut we can handle. God has blessed us with so much. And He will continue to do so. I am praying hard though that He will continue to bless us SO much that we will soon not have to live just getting by. That we can start paying off our debts.
I really, REALLY want a baby. In fact more often then not it's an ache. I totally understand that in comparison to many woman I have not had to wait that long, but man oh man....I do not enjoy not being able to fill the ache of having a child. I am not even going to begin to try and think I understand what it must feel like to wait for YEARS to have a baby. I do, however, NOT enjoy people basically telling me I do have the YEARS to wait. I get that I'm young enough to wait a while and physically it will still be ok. But I don't really want to be 60 when my kids are all 18 and over. Of course since mine and Francisco's health is now increasing and declining I suppose it wouldn't be an awful thing, but ... ya know what I mean.
But as much as I want a baby I want to be responsible. And that means paying off a chunk of our debt and having something in savings so that we can at least afford to feed our child. Or maybe even diaper them? I understand I will never feel as though I have "enough" ... then again I think this is a mental mindset and "enough" for Americans is actually surplus to the rest of the world. I do also think insurance is important. So until we are making enough supplemental income to get insurance for me, I will not be adding a child to our world. I really do want to be a responsible parent. :) I know there are those of you out there that agree with me.
BUT do know ... that I DO want a baby. And I ache to have a child. AND ... you will all know when it I am preganant...so maybe don't ask anymore?
Okay it's lunch time. Loves!

1 comment:

Molly said...

I *totally* know what you mean about being scared of jobs.

Most of the time I think I'm going to be incompetent. I normally don't think I'm stupid so I don't know why that is!

I'm still hunting. I'm almost desperate enough to apply at 7-11!