So ... sometimes it's hard to understand that if I live like no one else right now I will live like no one else later. I don't enjoy that money and buying things makes me feeling better. I don't enjoy that I feel a draw...and longing to go out and buy new things. To buy things for Francisco....I mean his clothes are FALLING off of him and I can't go out and buy him some old used shirts from Goodwill even. I don't like that I can't just quit work and go out up into the mountains and ride for hours around the trails up there. I don't like the ache I have when I think about doing these things. It hurts .... but I so easily forget that one of my student loans is currently below $900...I'm so close to paying off a student loan before I'm 30!!! How amazing is that to say out loud...to express. It really is amazing ... but the ache is still there paining me. How amazing is it that we are living off of Francisco's salary alone and still saving and paying off debt? Say that to people and you get shocked faces. I understand that it's not normal ... and I understand that it really is a good thing...what we're doing, but I still want to go out and buy some more stuff for me. I want to go on vacation. I want to have children. I want to adopt and foster ... I want my horse...my goats, a dog....I sound so selfish.
I miss my friends in Minnesota, the Midwest, on the East coast, down in California, up in Canada, Washington....I want to pick up and fly out to see them ... hug them, catch up ... reconnect...just become friends again. I feel stuck here ... I feel like it won't happen for me. It won't happen for us. My eyes get so stuck on my dirty feet plowing forward one foot at a time that I miss the scenery around me and I miss what's at the horizon ahead of me.
I know that one day I'll look up and BAM I'm right where I never thought I could be. Life is what I make it ... if I live in the past then my future will end up looking just like my past. If I like I have been for the last 5 years then the next 5 years will be exactly like the last 5 years. I understand I have to change in order to manipulate my future...Most days I feel like I am doing that. When I look at myself and where I am now compared to last august I'm amazed! Then I of course second guess myself and say nothing's changed...that just reminds me of everything I still have to work towards. Why is this year of my life the year of pondering the past 27 years of my life and wondering what I could have done to do it better. I mean I have another 27 years...or more...don't I? Isn't this something you do when you're in your midlife crisis??
Francisco and I are working towards beach money ... the ability to have passive income .... and to have wealth to pass onto our kids and our kids' kids. I get that most people don't think like that ...and that most around us are scepticle. This leaks out into my head and heart and poisons my yearning dreams. But my dream is bigger and badder then these poisons. I will not allow life, nor other people's lack of faith in me and what I'm doing take away my dream. Though .. some days ... it feels so heavy and useless to carry around. Why would I try ... I should I try??? I won't get there. I won't have that. I don't deserve these ideas ... these hopes.
But why not? Doesn't God want to bless His daughter? Doesn't He want to give me life abundantly? Why are we so quick to douse people's requests for lifetime wealth? (I'm not talking just money either fyi.)
I want it ... I ache for it ... but at the same corner of my heart I hear whispers of defeat and feel chains holding me down ... holding me back. How can I ache for something SO MUCH and at the same time throw it out and give it up??