I wonder where in my life this idea of needing perform everything perfectly came from. I've been in a state of frustrated awe for a week or so now trying to contemplate why I do this! I realize that my life is a gift from God and I chose to receive the gift of His salvation. It should stand that I would live freely in that gift. To do the best with what I'm given. But when and where have I crossed the line of "doing the best with what I'm given" to "never thinking I'm doing my best." I asked my husband about this and it even seemed to baffle him. He could not explain what seems like such a fine line to walk. How do I become okay with who I am and where I am without losing my drive to be better and seek after the Lord more? When will I stop trying to do "good enough" to get what I want? Because frankly, I will never be good enough for myself and I will most certainly NOT be good enough for everyone around me. I know this and yet it seems I am addicted to chasing down the next compliment...the next "good enough" momentary high. I don't want to just stop chasing down a better me either. Am I also addicted to a better me because I never think I"m good enough? This idea that I can do enough in my life to get the blessings and dreams God has for me ... is ABSURD! And yet I chase it. Thinking I have to work my way. Of course I fully believe in grace and mercy....or do I? Because if I fully believed ... would I really be chasing? I feel tugged and called to by the Holy Spirit inside my soul ... loving me where I'm at. I can feel His call to me ... to just "be ok" with who He made me. But who is that? Because I'm far beyond the person I used to be, so I want ... yearn to be far beyond the person I am currently. Isn't that our life? Isn't that the race we're running? Or is it. What is the race? And am I in the wrong one? Are these even the right questions to be asking?
These thoughts are plaguing me ... because they seem to not have answers and yet I feel glad that I'm dealing with this now...before I'm 30. I suppose I could guess that most don't. Of course then again that's comparing. So I'm trying to make myself feel better by saying "well yes I'm struggling with this path of wrong thinking and living, BUT at least it's now and not later." Again I find myself trapped inside a circular path of a performance based life.
Husband says that he struggles with this ... at work. I tried to isolate where I struggle with this and realized this morning that a new week doesn't signify endless possibilities...it suddenly signifies endless areas I need to "work on." Of course that's not every morning and I can choose NOT to think like that. And I think that's part of it, but this overwhelming need to get up out of bed and be "on" is NOT how I'm supposed to be living my life. To get up in the morning and beg God to help me when I haven't even been awake for 5minutes of the morning. What kind of a life is this!? I know I'm better then this ... or am I? Is that, too, performance based? Something I should be "doing" better? And WHY am I hardwired to this? Are we all?? Or am I truly addicted to trying to do it all alone? This screams lack of faith and trust in God. Then that begs the question why NOT trust the creator of the universe!! I mean if He can knit the world and universe together so well ... why wouldn't He do the same for me and my life.
Is this the reason why I hate the process...the journey? Because to me the journey screams not of progress or grace or mercy but of thousands upon thousands of failings and areas that I should work on to be better at. Wow ... not a life to live and not really something I like to say about myself. It sounds so wrong, so the way I used to think. Knowledge is power right? Now that I 'know' does this mean I will begin to give in and allow God to take over the rest of me? I pray that. I really don't want this to be the rest of my life.
And OH what freedom awaits me! To truly let go and allow God to just pour over me and through me. Is this the breaking apart I asked for? Another moment in my journey where He breaks me even more to mold me into Him. To make my heart and my desires more like His? I want this! And yet ... to reveal these new pains and cracks seem almost too overwhelming and painful. I wish to have the eyes of Christ. To see myself so broken down as a wondrous gift to others around me. Because only broken can I pour out the full love and mercy of Christ onto everyone I meet. I do not want to be in His way...and yet as I run around trying to perform everything 'good enough' without Him I believe I am in the way.
I do know this .. my salvation is secure. There is nothing that can pluck me from hand of Christ. AND nothing more I can do for my salvation. I trust Christ as my savior ... only one way to the Father ... when will the rest of my life follow this?