ASL

Today I was out with friends saying good-bye. We were out eating burgers and I saw a Deaf guy with his hearing friend and it shot my mind back to the days of when I was first learning ASL. And my heart shattered with the pain of missing that part of me. I realized just how much was missing and how much it is a HUGE part of me as I tried hard to be inconspicuous and watch them. She was obviously still learning and he was patiently listening. It was so nice to see. And yet at the same time, like I said, it broke my heart. I wanted to jump right in the middle of their conversation just like I belonged or something. But my fear and lack of self esteem crippled me. I still ache. And if you don't know what I'm talking about you can't understand....and it sucks that you can't. But let me tell you this....the pain of this is well, NASTY. I feel an ache almost close to the one I feel for the death of my mother. She's dead. She's not coming back, so there's a huge hole in my heart. Deafness, the Deaf community, ASL, and everything involved in that .... it's dead in my life right now. But my body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my everything aches, yearns, craves, and every other synonym you can think of, for it. I want it back in my life. OH GOD please!!! Some how .... I need it back in my life.